Sara and Ollie
A Screenplay by
Phil Mershon
- Interior. Night club, at the bar. Night.
As the narration begins, SARA is sitting at a bar, smoking and drinking and pretending to laugh with the celebrants, many of whom are intent on chatting her up, despite her habit of shaking off their advances. In the background loom TV, print and magazine journalists and photographers, most of whom are decidedly unhappy with their lack of access. Attempting to catch the media’s attention are the assorted well-dressed minglers and the occasional chest-thumping rock stars, the latter engulfed by gaggles of groupies. While superficially engaged in the swirl of nagging conversations intersecting her, SARA remains singularly distracted, vaguely searching for someone she is expecting.
OLLIE (Voice-over narration)
My first actual date with Sara started out at an after-show cast party back in the early winter of 1981. We both worked on the weekend TV show “Forever Tuesday.” It was one of those lame efforts to compete with “Saturday Night Live,” during one of that program’s more vulnerable periods. Sara wrote some of our show’s better sketches, although she claimed the main reason the producer, Skip Lutz, hired her was because she knew half the working musicians on the east coast. I was one of the show’s cast members, somewhere between a poor man’s Bill Murray and a rich man’s Chevy Chase. If you don’t remember “Forever Tuesday,” don’t feel bad. We’ve all tried to forget it. The show is listed in Sammy Thomack’s Guide to Classic TV Comedies. But don’t look for it.
SARA’s face takes on a controlled excitement as she finally finds who she is seeking. OLLIE stumbles into the frame, rubbing his eyes, disoriented by the combination of reporter questions and exploding flashbulbs, remnants of the early 1980’s. With difficulty, he presses his way up to the bar beside SARA and indicates a drink order to the bartender.
OLLIE (Voice-over narration)
I was surprised when she asked me to join her after the show, but
not half as surprised as I was to be riding with her a few hours later
as the ambulance took her to the emergency room.
SARA
Ollie! Hi! Glad you could make it!
OLLIE
Hi. Hope you haven’t been waiting long.
SARA
Just dodging the nice bullets. “Oh, the show was so nice. Your
skit was nice. Doesn’t your hair look nice?”
OLLIE
They can’t be too careful.
SARA
Right. In case any of us ever amount to anything, we’ll remember
all the people who niced us on the way up. No wonder you never
come to these things.
OLLIE
I really do hate this place. Would you like—
BARRY, a young rock star accompanied by a groupie who continues to scratch his bare back throughout the exchange, saunters up. He slaps OLLIE on the back and addresses SARA.
BARRY
Nice show tonight, Sara! Really tight! You only gave us time for
one song!
SARA
If you have a gripe, aim it at Skip. Ollie, you remember Barry?
With Egar? The band?
OLLIE
Right. Barry! Hey, is Egar rage spelled backwards?
BARRY
So that’s the game? I talked to Skip. He said you told him to
cut our second number. Not very nice, Sara.
SARA
But the show was nice.
OLLIE
And your skits were nice.
SARA
And my hair looks nice!
BARRY
I just wanted you to know. Oh. Hi, Ollie. I just wanted you
to know that we won’t be doing your show again.
SKIP LUTZ, the producer, approaches, slapping OLLIE on the back, nodding to SARA.
SKIP
People, friends, guys! This is a party! We’re not supposed to
be talking business. Ollie, nice show, man. Sara, good job. Barry,
hey, it’s like I said. Really sorry about cutting that second number. We’ve just got so many egos to accommodate. It just gets in the
way. I’m sure you understand.
SARA
Ollie, would you like—
SKIP
Barry, there were a couple of girls, real lookers, but too young to
get in here. I sent them out to wait in your limo. I hope that was
okay?
BARRY
Yeah, well, we got to go anyway. I won’t forget this.
BARRY and Groupie exit.
SKIP
Translation: he won’t remember it. Sara, if I’d known he was
your ex…
SARA
You did know, Skip. Remember?
SKIP
I knew it was one or the other. What a cretin. A one hit wonder
in a two chord band on a third-rate show.
OLLIE
You used to go out with Barry?
SKIP
I can see I’m interrupting.
OLLIE
We were just leaving.
SARA
Were we? Yes, I believe we were. See you Monday, Skip.
SARA and OLLIE exit.
SKIP
Hoo-boy. Hey, Mack! Judy! Nice show tonight! The band was
great, wasn’t it?
- Interior. OLLIE’s car. Night.
As OLLIE drives, SARA fusses with her hair and make-up in the passenger mirror. She also dry-swallows a small handful of capsules.
SARA
I told Skip when he asked me to audition some pieces I’d written
when he caught my Second City act, I just said that I wasn’t
interested in rehashing “Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In” and I
didn’t want to get snookered into imitating “SNL.” I mean, great
as both shows were and are, they were of a specific time, ugh,
and I’m more interested in writing comedy that will still be funny
in twenty years. Does that make any sense?
OLLIE
Sure. Of course. Did you just take something?
SARA
Those were just Valium for my nerves. My doctor thinks I’m
bi-polar. The symptoms intensify when I drink, so I have to level
off. Say, is this a convertible?
- Interior. OLLIE’s car with the top down. Night.
SARA’s hair is blowing madly in the wind despite all the care she took to making it perfect just minutes earlier. She is noticeably more animated.
SARA
But between us, I’m really more interested in exploring that
comedic dynamic between a woman and a man, you know, like
those two fantastic people who everybody thought were involved
with one another but they really weren’t, back in the late Fifties
and early Sixties. He went on to be a movie director. So did she.
What were they called?
OLLIE
Nichols and May?
SARA
Yes! God, you know about them? I love it! Mike Nichols and Elaine May, my absolute heroes! Oh! Sure, they did some arrangements that don’t hold up now, but most of their comedy is just as fresh today as then. Wow. Just thinking about them gets me excited. How far is it to your apartment?
- Interior. OLLIE’s apartment. Night.
SARA returns from the kitchen into the living room with a glass of water which she uses to wash down another few capsules. As she continues to talk, she takes off OLLIE’s shirt and explores his chest with her hands.
SARA
I don’t know who said it, but he was right. Comedy isn’t about
saying funny things. It’s about saying things funny. I mean, I only
had one bit in the whole show tonight—hmmm, you smell good—
and I was thinking of you when I wrote it because I could exactly imagine how you would use those lines, and sure enough, you got
it exactly right. Did you know that your chest is extremely smooth?
OLLIE
You are the best writer on the show, no question about it. Were
those more Valium?
SARA
You know those Valium I took? They were actually speed. The
drinks were tiring me, so I needed some balance. You don’t mind,
do you? I don’t normally take drugs, but I’m a little annoyed with Barry, to say the least. He’s such a colossal waste of space. The
only mega-stars in this decade, I predict, will be Bruce Springsteen, John Cougar, and Michael Jackson.
OLLIE
Michael Jackson?
SARA
Oh! Absolutely! He has so much talent and he’s going to want to
score with famous women, so he’ll just push himself until he’s on
top. But let me ask you a question. Are we going to talk all night
or are we going to bed?
OLLIE
I’m guessing both.
SARA
Damn, I love your chest.
- Interior. OLLIE’s bedroom. Night.
OLLIE lies on his back, his hair mangled, lipstick all over his face and neck, sweat stains on his temples, and deep fingernail scratches across his chest. He breathes as if he has just completed a marathon. SARA is swabbing his chest with a damp wash cloth, pausing only to down a larger handful of capsules.
SARA
Most men can’t keep up with me, but you hung right in there,
Ollie. I just knew we’d be perfect together. It was perfect, wasn’t
it?
OLLIE
I always say any sex you live through is great.
SARA
Ollie?
OLLIE
Yes. It was perfect. Just…absolutely…perfect.
SARA
Good. I thought so, too. Now there’s something I should tell you.
You know those capsules I’ve been taking? They weren’t speed
and they weren’t Valium. They were Demerol. And I’m almost
pretty sure that I’ve overdosed.
SARA collapses across his chest.
- Exterior. New York City Hospital. Day.
OLLIE (Voice-over narration)
Sara didn’t take well to hospitalization. They gave her a stomach pump, an enema, and a stern lecture about recreational drug use.
At that point she seemed ready to go home.
SARA (Voice-over)
Oliver! Get me the fuck out of here!
OLLIE (Voice-over narration)
The story didn’t make the papers, not even the trades, probably because they were too busy investigating reports that Barry had
been arrested on two counts of statutory rape.
SARA (Voice-over)
I want to go home right now!
- Interior. A network office. Day.
SARA, wearing dark sunglasses and no make-up, sits in front of a typewriter in the writers room used by the staff of “Forever Tuesday.” She is oblivious to the commotion around her. She sits with her head in her hands, her face the picture of pain.
1st WRITER
All I ask for is coffee I can drink, just one day a week. Sara,
you’re tight with Skip. Can you please tell him that on
Mondays…
2nd WRITER
So then it’s time for Darryl’s line, he’s got his cue, and he says,
“Gee, I wonder what Albert KAY-MUSS would say?” I just
happened to be in the booth at the time and I start screaming…
3rd WRITER
Keep your hands off me, you stupid shit!
4th WRITER
You couldn’t write your way out of a pay toilet!
3rd WRITER
At least that’s not where I get my material!
OLLIE (Voice-over narration)
Skip was always a little afraid to go into the writers room by
himself, so that Monday he asked me to tag along.
SKIP and OLLIE enter. The bickering continues. SKIP observes this, shrugs, and approaches SARA. OLLIE remains by the door.
SKIP
All right, people. I have some news. We’re about to begin our
fifth week of production, which means the network hasn’t cancelled
us yet.
1st WRITER
Skip, I think Sara wants to talk to you about the coffee situation.
2nd WRITER
Do we know who the guest star is this week? I know we’re only
the writers, but it might help to know.
SKIP
In order to finish out this season and lock ourselves in for a second run, we need some structure in the ranks.
1st WRITER
What we need is some coffee we can drink.
2nd WRITER
Or actors who can pronounce the words. No offense, Ollie. You
know who I meant.
SKIP
Therefore, I am appointing Sara Simon as head writer effective immediately. Any questions, comments, or whatever, go directly through her. She will keep you all on schedule. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, write, write, write. Thursday, rehearsals and rewrites. Friday, dress rehearsals and final scripting. Saturday—
WRITERS 1, 2, 3, 4
The big show!
SKIP
That’s right. Any questions? Sara? No one? Good. Okay. Carry
on. Ollie, you coming?
OLLIE
I’ll stick around for a minute.
SKIP exits. OLLIE approaches SARA.
OLLIE
Congratulations. How are you feeling?
SARA
Hi. Did something important just happen?
- Interior. Sound stage at “Forever Tuesday” rehearsal. Day.
The show’s cast and guest star are rehearsing their lines, clearly enjoying themselves. SARA, SKIP and assorted technicians, S&P’s, and network people are looking on.
OLLIE (Voice-over narration)
You had to give Skip credit. He’d put together a good team, and once Sara became the head writer, everything worked out much better for everyone. The actors were happy because the quality of the writing improved. The writers were happy because they had more input into the performances—and better coffee. And the network was happy. They were very happy. By our sixth week together, we were virtually tied with “SNL.” And for the four weeks after that, we beat them.
- Interior. SKIP’s office. Day.
Present are SKIP, the show’s cast, and SARA. SKIP holds up a copy of Variety, which has a picture of the cast and writers on the cover above a headline that reads, “Network Pumped Over New Kings of the Party!”
- Interior. OLLIE’s kitchen. Night.
SARA and OLLIE are preparing dinner together, largely avoiding one another’s gaze as they talk.
OLLIE
They only signed us on for thirteen weeks, so we have to make a decision.
SARA
The other writers are already in negotiations. They only want five times what they were making. Which reminds me. I wasn’t snooping, but I accidentally saw your check stub this morning. You do pretty well.
OLLIE
I was going to ask Skip for less money, but didn’t want him to think I was an idiot. Are you going to renew for next season?
SARA
I thought we had talked about this. I thought that once the show had become a success—
OLLIE
Which it is…
SARA
Which it is, that you and I were going to work together.
OLLIE
Is that what you want to do?
SARA
Do you?
OLLIE
That’s exactly what I want to do.
SARA
Oh, really? You’re ready to give up all that money—probably more, since you’re not an idiot—to team up with me?
OLLIE
I couldn’t have said it better. Why? Have you changed your mind?
SARA
No! I haven’t changed my mind! I’ve been wanting to do this all along!
OLLIE
Me too!
SARA
Then why are we fighting?
OLLIE
Because we want to have great make-up sex later?
SARA
Hey. I’m the funny one. You’re the straight man.
OLLIE
I thought we’d mix it up a bit tonight.
SARA
So are we going to tell Skip tomorrow?
OLLIE
Right after the show. Let’s let him at least enjoy the show.
- Exterior. Sidewalk. Sunday Morning.
SARA, OLLIE and SKIP are briskly walking three abreast up the sidewalk.
OLLIE
And please don’t ask if it’s about the money.
SKIP
How could it be about the money? With the show, you’ve got a guaranteed thing, and with this—this idea of yours, I don’t know what you’ve got.
SARA
It’s not personal, Skip.
SKIP
Please don’t tell me it isn’t personal. Of course it’s personal. I’ve got two associate producers, six other cast members, four more writers, not to mention a whole slew of network cheese, most of whom are going to either be out of work or close to it. Don’t get the idea you two are indispensable. But when you go screwing with a winning team…is there some reason this won’t wait one more season?
OLLIE
I’m not much of a waiter.
SARA
And I’m a terrible waitress.
SKIP
I just hope you come up with better dialogue than that. We’ve got three more shows together. I’ll hold my goodbyes until then. See you tomorrow.
SKIP turns the corner and SARA and OLLIE continue walking together. OLLIE looks inquisitively at SARA who responds by looking directly into the camera. Match Cut To:
- Interior. Live set of “Forever Tuesday.” Night.
Hold a medium close-up of SARA, drawing back to include the stage as her introductory piece progresses.
SARA (as a female Hitchcock)
Good evening. Tonight’s drama concerns the behavior of a presumptuous writer for a popular television variety show. Having etched out a small name for herself, she sets out with her paramour to examine the vicissitudes of comedic stardom. After only a few hours, the initial buzz has quieted, and the two upstarts find themselves performing in a decidedly uncrowded venue.
OLLIE, as himself, and LISA as SARA, appear upon a mock stage.
LISA
Hi! I’m Simon, he’s James—
OLLIE
And you’re the audience. Having—
LISA
Established that, we know—
OLLIE
Your time is precious—
LISA
So we’ll dispense—
OLLIE
With the set-ups—
LISA
And delve—
OLLIE
Directly into—
LISA
The—
OLLIE
Punchlines.
LISA
So the Turkish ambassador says, “What? Me? Smoke Camel Lights?”
OLLIE
And the bartender sighs and says, “You can be a real jerk, Superman.”
LISA
Kermit the frog in a blender.
OLLIE
Naw, the squirrel’s a ventriloquist.
LISA
Ollie, Ollie, hold on. It’s time for my appointment.
OLLIE
I completely forgot.
OLLIE grabs a folding chair and sits down. LISA pretends to knock on an office door.
OLLIE
Come in right away, close the door behind you and sit down over there.
LISA steps in, pretends to close the door, but sees no chair. OLLIE waves off the problem.
OLLIE
Improvise! Improvise!
LISA grabs a box from a corner, lugs it over and sits down.
OLLIE
I haven’t much time, so what can you tell me about why you are here today?
LISA
Well, Doctor, I’m suffering from—
OLLIE
Anxiety, depression, general confusion, yes. Never mind the symptoms. What do you suppose is causing this?
LISA
I’ve recently made a career change and—
OLLIE
Yes, of course. You’re desperately in need of moral as well as financial support.
LISA
Something to alleviate—
OLLIE
If you insist on going on at such lengths, I don’t see how can help you. How many would you like?
LISA
How many what, Doctor?
OLLIE
For God’s sake, how many types of medications? Do try to keep up, will you? Have you tried singing?
LISA
I’m afraid I don’t follow.
OLLIE
Do you need to buy a dictionary?
LISA
I know what singing is. It’s like this!
I used to be a writer for a TV show.
Behind the scenes and out of the know.
My name is Sara Simon, his is Ollie James
Everyone predicts we’ll go down in flames.
OLLIE
Yes, well, that’s very nice. We’ll call you if something opens up.
LISA
Is there anyone you’d like me to send in?
OLLIE
You might ask in the rest of the cast.
Confetti falls and balloons rise as the cast, writers, and SKIP join them onstage. The closing theme music plays. Match Cut To:
- Interior. OLLIE’s apartment. Night.
SARA and OLLIE are viewing the same closing on the TV set. They are deep in contemplation.
SARA
Gersh sent our tapes around. After our two weeks at the Whistle
Stop, we’ll have lots of bookings.
OLLIE
Are you worried? Sara?
SARA
I’m okay. I’m good. You?
OLLIE
We’ll have bookings. Absolutely.
- Interior. Large concert venue. Night.
SARA and OLLIE bow to ovations and exit from the stage.
OLLIE (Voice-over narration)
I was lying to both of us, but as it turned out, Gersh, our
manager, got us booked into a lot of college towns, and the
audiences were great. Almost half our shows that spring
sold out.
- Interior. Backstage. Night.
Continuation of previous scene. Stage hands, production staff, media people and student fans swarm around SARA, OLLIE and GERSH, who finally make their way back to the dressing room.
GERSH
You’re doing three shows in Orlando, that’s over two nights,
then up to Milwaukee for an opening on the Petty tour, down
to Austin for two nights headlining. The big rock station there
wants you to do an hour promo the first day during drive time
and they’re promoting it, so we agreed. And Sargent’s Beer keeps calling about tour sponsorship.
SARA
We don’t accept corporate sponsorship, Gersh.
GERSH
Somebody better explain economic realities to you, Sara. The
future is now. Promotion companies handle logistics. They don’t upfront finance any more. The only alternative is to finance it ourselves.
SARA
Then we’ll do it that way. Look, I know the business end of this
is important, but we are not accepting the endorsement of a brewery.
OLLIE
Look, Gersh. Nobody thought we could make a go of doing our
stream of consciousness stuff, either. Do what you have to do, but what’s next? “Simon and James brought to you tonight by Xanex?” Set us up a promotion company, net-out with other acts who feel
like we do, and hire somebody to handle it. Okay?
SARA
I really don’t want to have this conversation again. So if you can’t handle it, we’ll find somebody who can.
GERSH
Understood. One other thing. I just heard from back east. The
network passed on renewing “Forever Tuesday.” Skip Lutz sent
a telegram saying good luck with the tour.
GERSH exits. SARA lights a cigarette. OLLIE stares at the door GERSH went through.
- Interior. Set of “The Marla Show.” Day.
SARA and OLLIE are seated on the stage of a TV talk show hosted by Marla Ingram, a typical hostess of the day. A studio audience is in attendance.
MARLA
So your tour is going well, your performances are terrific, and
from what we read, your personal lives are fine…
SARA
Who says couples can’t work together? Burns an Allen, Bonnie
and Clyde, Sylvester and Tweetie…
OLLIE
Those inter-species relationships never work out, though.
SARA
It’s the children I worry about.
MARLA
Yes, well, not everyone has adapted to your success. Your former producer and a dear friend to us all, Skip Lutz, for example.
SARA
I don’t know what Skip did what he did. It’s a great loss, obviously.
MARLA
His daughter has said that she holds the two of you personally responsible for his suicide. I wonder how you respond to that?
OLLIE
Skip gave each of us a break when we needed one. He had a great show. It would have been a great show even without us.
MARLA
Sara?
SARA
I don’t know what you want me to say.
OLLIE
He didn’t bounce back after the network fired him. I think if he had—
SARA
It seems like everywhere we go we get asked this question.
MARLA
Even The New York Times, who write glowingly of your two-person Broadway show, paused to ask how tings might have been different if only—
SARA
(Suddenly furious) Absolution, is that what you want, Marla?
MARLA
It really isn’t up to me to say. I’m only asking.
SARA
Yes, let’s have some penance right here on your show.
SARA pulls out a long knife and holds the blade above her own left arm.
SARA
My own suffering just isn’t enough, so maybe this will make everyone happier.
SARA drags the blade along the underside of her forearm. Blood geysers out and as MARLA swoons, OLLIE tears off his jacket to wrap around Sara’s arm. The studio audience gasps and moans. Program security mount the stage. SARA lies on her back, her eyes unfocused, her complexion deathly pale.
- Exterior. New York City Hospital. Day.
SARA (Voice-over)
(Very weak) Oliver. Get me the fuck out of here.
- Interior. The hallway in the hospital just outside Sara’s room. Day.
Doctors, nurses and hospital staff are milling about. A Doctor is speaking in low, serious tones to Ollie.
OLLIE (Voice-over narration)
Gersh earned his pay on that one. Sara had attempted suicide on
live national television, and when Gersh was done weaving his
magic, the media was ready to believe any explanation short of
the truth. Some reported that it had been a Sara Simon impersonator. Some said the whole thing was a sick joke gone awry. And some
said the thing was staged to look like a suicide attempt to make
some larger point. Gersh suspected what I already knew.
GERSH approaches OLLIE in the hall as the doctor exits.
GERSH
What do they say, Ollie?
OLLIE
She cut into some major arteries, Gersh. She was absolutely serious about what she was doing. She’ll have some hellacious scars.
GERSH
And?
OLLIE
And she’s going to make it. Technically, she could be out of here
in a couple of days.
GERSH
Technically? Listen to me, my young friend. I know for a fact precisely what this was, just as I know for a fact that this isn’t the
first time she’s tried something like this. I’ve talked to her mother
and it seems she has a history of this going back to her early teens.
OLLIE
I didn’t know that.
GERSH
Bullshit, you didn’t know that.
OLLIE
Gersh, I swear to you—
GERSH
Then you must be the dumbest son of a bitch who ever lived. I’ve watched that young lady drink herself sober, stay up five days at a time, go without food, snap from one subject to another—
OLLIE
Okay. All right.
GERSH
Goddammit, you listen to me because I’m mad. Maybe the same thing that gives her talent makes her this way. I don’t know. So she gets cured and stops being funny? That’s a chance we’ll have to take.
OLLIE
What are you talking about?
GERSH
I’ve watched Sara very carefully and everyone I talk to agrees:
you’re the only person she trusts. So you are going to make sure
she gets some help.
OLLIE
That sounds like—
GERSH
It’s an ultimatum, Ollie, that’s exactly what it is. I’ll lie for you,
cheat, and I don’t even mind stealing. But fuck you if I’m going
to aid and abet a suicide.
GERSH walks off.
OLLIE
Gersh! Gersh. I’ll take care of it. I promise.
SARA (Off-camera)
Oliver? Are you there?
OLLIE enters her room. SARA is lying with her head propped by a pillow. An oxygen canella feeds into her nose. Her injured arm is wrapped to her shoulder. A saline solution feeds into her right arm. Dark half-circles rest beneath her eyes.
SARA
I’ll bet I look like something Death took out of his suitcase.
OLLIE
Sara, how do you feel?
SARA
Physically? Exhausted. Mentally, I relieved the pressure I had. I
need to talk to you. We only have eight more shows on the tour,
right?
OLLIE
I don’t think it matters at this point.
SARA
When we’re done with the tour, I want you to go with me to visit my family. Will you do that?
OLLIE
How can you even think about finishing the tour?
A candy striper enters with a large bouquet of roses.
CANDY STRIPER
Knock, knock! Someone’s getting more flowers. These are so beautiful.
SARA
Ollie, who are they from?
OLLIE
The Marla Show. Best wishes, blah-blah. Their ratings are to the moon.
Candy Striper exits.
SARA
Will you go with me?
OLLIE
Yes, of course. But the tour—
SARA
We have to finish the tour. My mama didn’t raise a quitter.
OLLIE
Mine did. But I want you to do something for me.
SARA
Should we pull the curtain?
OLLIE
Talk to a doctor about why you’re in here.
SARA
You can’t even say it, can you? Are you that embarrassed?
OLLIE
I’m just that ignorant. If I say the wrong thing…
SARA
You couldn’t say the wrong thing if you tried. I talk to a doctor about (whispers) suicide. We finish the tour. We visit my family for the next three years.
OLLIE
How about for a week?
SARA
Deal.
OLLIE
Deal.
- Interior. Concert hall. Day.
SARA and OLLIE appear onstage as HBO films their Special. OLLIE sits far left, thumbing through a magazine. SARA sits far right, doing the same.
SARA
Here’s an article that says Rely tampons cause toxic shock syndrome. Oh, and they even give you a free sample. (Putting the tampon in her purse) Just in case the shrink doesn’t work out.
OLLIE drops his magazine to the floor.
OLLIE
Yes, I can see you now. Please do come in.
SARA walks into his office, carrying her chair with her.
SARA
Good morning, doctor. What can you tell me about why I’m here?
OLLIE
According to the questionnaire you completed…
SARA
The one in Cosmopolitan? It seems I have an acute stress disorder brought on by being kept in your waiting room.
OLLIE
And what would you recommend?
SARA
I would stay away from the crab cakes, but the filet mignon is superb this evening.
OLLIE
And to drink?
SARA
Perchance to dream. A quart bottle of Boone’s Farm Candy Apple Red adds a succulence to the most medium of beef.
- Exterior. Rolling farm country. Day.
SARA ad OLLIE are riding in Ollie’s car with the top down. As they pass various spots, SARA points out the highlights.
SARA
That was where our church used to be, before they turned it into a
feed store. Oh, and that’s my old high school. We used to smoke
back behind the gym. My sister Dayna teaches grade school now.
She was such a brat, it’s kind of funny. I guess this is pretty boring, huh?
OLLIE
It’s very rustic. Nice to get out of the city. Surprised to see that you have a past.
SARA
You sure you’re ready for this?
They turn into the driveway to her family’s house. Several cars are already in the driveway.
OLLIE
I wouldn’t miss this for all the gold in Pakistan.
- Interior. Living room. Day.
The house in the country: the mantle above the fireplace holds framed photographs of the two sisters, CLARICE and DAYNA, and of one brother, DEAN. One small snapshot of SARA is pasted against the wall. Displayed is a large photograph of their father, MATTHEW, dressed in a tuxedo, wearing a clown’s wig, kneeling with his eyes crossed and his tongue sticking out to one side. The caption beneath it reads: “Matthew Simon, the Funniest Man in Atlantic City.” Farther along comes a much older photograph, this one of the grandfather, ALBERT, dusting off a chair with a bouquet of flowers. The caption reads: “Albert Simon, Portland’s leading humorist.”
Along another wall rests a mammoth trophy case displaying cups and plaques won by the kids—although not by SARA—and a few diplomas are hung nearby as well.
The home itself is solidly middle class and flooded with sunlight. Nothing grossly ostentatious mars the flow of the matching furniture, a bit threadbare as it may be. The TV is a couple years old and, from the dust it has gathered, hasn’t been viewed recently.
Sara’s MOTHER moves in and out of the living room, retrieving and placing trays of coffee and hand made snacks upon a long coffee table around which sit SARA, OLLIE, CLARICE, DAYNA, DEAN, and Dean’s wife MARTHA. DEAN and OLLIE lean forward in an attempt to strike up a conversation, but MOTHER unintentionally interrupts this.
MOTHER
We were so happy when Sara told us you were coming, Mr. James.
CLARICE
Are you sure you don’t want any help with anything, Mother?
DAYNA
We don’t see much of her these days.
MOTHER
I told you I am just perfectly capable of managing my own house. I raised three children here, you know.
DEAN
Four, I thought.
DAYNA
I should say, not as much of her as we would like.
CLARICE
Both Father and Grandfather were in show business, you know?
MOTHER
Oh, I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear about the old days.
SARA
Mother doesn’t like to talk about it.
DAYNA
So how do you like our little world out here, Mr. James?
MOTHER
I heard that. And I do not mind at all talking about your Father.
Or his father. Atlantic City hasn’t been the same since Matthew retired. Which reminds me. His birthday party begins at 7pm tonight.
OLLIE
Sara, you didn’t tell me about that. Is there some place nearby where we could pick up something?
MOTHER
That’s seven pee-emm sharp.
DEAN
Ollie, Father passed away four years ago.
DAYNA
Is it anything like what you expected?
OLLIE
Identical. See, Sara talks about it all the time.
MOTHER
Does she indeed? I am surprised to hear that.
SARA
So am I.
DEAN
Maybe I could show Ollie around?
MARTHA
What a splendid idea. That will give us a chance to talk to Sara.
MOTHER
Did I miss something?
CLARICE
Dean wants to get away from all the girl talk.
MARTHA
You won’t be gone long, will you?
MOTHER
But I’ve gone to all this trouble.
DEAN
We won’t be gone long. Martha, Mother, ladies…
DEAN kisses MOTHER on the cheek, winks at MARTHA, and motions to OLLIE, who almost knocks himself over getting to his feet. They exit through the front door behind the living room.
DAYNA
Sara, he seems very sweet.
MOTHER
Not much of a talker, is he?
- Interior. Tavern. Day.
The interior of this local pub is as dark as the previous scene was light. A few residents mill around, shooting pool and tossing darts. DEAN and OLLIE sit at the bar, nursing beers. Their faces are lit by the glow of an enormous electric porcelain cow behind the bar.
DEAN
You should know that you’re the first man Sara’s brought home.
OLLIE
You live out here?
DEAN
Couple miles up the road. After college we lived in the city. Martha and I. But after Father died, we bought an art supply store out here. Mostly to keep an eye on Mother.
OLLIE
Does she need keeping an eye on?
DEAN
In case you haven’t noticed, yes. Sara always hated it here. We all
did, I guess.
OLLIE
Sara…is…
DEAN
The polite word is troubled.
OLLIE
I feel funny, Dean, talking about your sister.
DEAN
I wish you would. It seems to me she’s inherited certain things
from Mother. I can’t imagine you know what you’re getting into.
OLLIE
You heard about what happened on “The Marla Show”?
DEAN
You play?
DEAN indicates an empty pool table. OLLIE grins and they go to it. DEAN racks the balls and takes a cue stick from OLLIE, who breaks.
DEAN
Father was so large in our lives, even though he was rarely here.
OLLIE
How did Sara get along with him?
DEAN
They connected on several levels. She was his favorite. I think
that’s why Mother glorified the rest of us so much.
OLLIE
I’m way in over my head. Sara’s pretty good at conning the doctors. And I can’t make her get treatment.
DEAN
Father used to sit her right on the edge of this table and preach between shots about how his little Sara was the greatest thing on earth—while the rest of us sat over there at a table.
OLLIE
That must have been—weird.
DEAN
When he left for Atlantic City, Mother made sure the rest of us knew—and that Sara knew—that she was never going to get Mom’s approval, no matter what.
OLLIE
Any idea how someone works through that?
DEAN
None. Maybe she can’t. But if she does, it’ll be with your help. She trusts you.
OLLIE
You’re the second person to tell me that.
DEAN
Want to shoot another rack?
OLLIE
I guess we’d better get back.
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