Phil: What do you want from me?
Lisa: Nothing!
Phil: That's ridiculous.
Lisa: You're ridiculous.
Phil: Say that again.
Lisa: Say what again?
Phil: Say what you just said again. What am I?
Lisa: I said you are ridiculous. Can you hear me?
Phil: Oh, I can hear you. I just can't believe what I'm hearing.
Lisa: You better believe it. I need a beer.
Phil: I'm sure you do.
Lisa: What's that supposed to mean?
Phil: You know what it means.
Lisa: Why don't you tell me?
Phil: Why don't you kill yourself? Again. Then I'll tell you.
Lisa: Where is all this anger coming from?
Phil: This is nothing. You should get a look at how angry I really am sometimes. It would amaze you.
Lisa: Really.
Phil: Yeah, really.
Lisa: You want me to move out, don't you?
Phil: Sometimes, yes I do.
Lisa: What would you have if I moved out? Nothing!
Phil: I would have peace. I would have quiet.
Lisa: You would go back to being isolated. Hibernating. And all this stuff here is mine. Like the computer.
Phil: What stuff is yours?
Lisa: The computer. The dishes. The TV.
Phil: Right. But who bought the furniture? Who bought the beds? The mirrors? The clocks? Who pays for--
Lisa: Yes, you bought lots of clocks, didn't you?
Phil: The only thing you ever bought was beer and cigarettes--
Lisa: Shut up!
Phil: And you only bought them after I finally refused to do it anymore.
Lisa: You are such a liar.
Phil: I'm a liar? This from a person who has no morals whatsoever.
Lisa: Wrong! I'm only like that when I'm desperate, which I wouldn't be desperate if I had a beer right now.
Phil: Well, there's no beer.
Lisa: What happened to it?
Phil: What happened to the beer? What do you think?
Lisa: I just bought some yesterday. I bought an eighteen pack.
Phil: You drank it all last night.
Lisa: Liar! I did not.
Phil: I guess I would know. I was the one who had to pick up all the empty cans off the sofa.
Lisa: We don't have any more beer?
Phil: They still sell it, don't they?
Lisa: I'll need to call Tom and have him take me out.
Phil: And I'm the liar of the house?
Lisa: Tom understands. He doesn't judge me.
Phil: Of course he understands. He understands that to get what he wants from you he has to get you drunk first.
Lisa: It couldn't hurt his chances. That's true.
Phil: You have no respect for yourself at all, do you?
Lisa: I have been through so much, Phil.
Phil:Yes, yes. Everyone knows how much you have endured. But how much of it did you bring on yourself?
Lisa: All of it, I suppose you think.
Phil: No, you didn't bring it all on.
Lisa: I was adopted.
Phil: Nothing you could have done about that.
Lisa: My mother was a drunk.
Phil:I know.
Lisa: My step mother beat me.
Phil: Jesus, I know.
Lisa: I only saw my step father on weekends. He was a lawyer.
Phil: And a pilot, don't forget.
Lisa: Yes, he was.
Phil: So what you're saying is that everybody who has that type of background gets to be a bastard to the rest of the world, is that right?
Lisa: I don't suppose you would be willing to get me some beer?
Phil: Not a chance.
Lisa: Even though I will get sick--
Phil: Not any chance at all.
Lisa:--from the withdrawal?
Phil: I'll go with you to check into rehab.
Lisa: Fuck you! I've been to rehab. You have no idea what they do to you there.
Phil: They don't give you beer, I know that.
Lisa: Where did I put that fucking phone?
Phil: Yes, you need a drink, all right.
Lisa: Shut up! I can't find my phone!
Phil: I think the dogs want to go out.
Lisa: They are just going to have to wait until I find my phone!
Phil: I'll take them out.
Lisa: Why? To make me feel guilty? That's all you ever do, you know. You sit around here trying to think up ways to make me feel guilty.
Phil: You are so full of it.
Lisa: Yes, you do! I've seen you sitting here thinking up those things.
Phil: You can read my mind?
Lisa: I can see it on your face.
Phil: You can't even see your own face.
Lisa: Where is my fucking phone?
Phil: I'll call you on my phone.
Lisa: Found it! It was in my purse.
Phil: Imagine.
Lisa: Hey, look what else I found!
Phil: You have a beer in your purse?
Lisa: I have three beers in my purse. They're a little warm, but so what?
Phil: Incredible. I'm gonna take the dogs out.
Lisa: I told you I would do it!
Phil: I need the air.
Lisa: They don't even need to go out.
Phil: I need to take them. What do you care?
Lisa: Fine. Go ahead.
Phil: I wasn't asking your permission.
Lisa: Whose dogs are they? They're my dogs!
Phil: They are your dogs, those are your parrots, and that's your computer. Those are your cans of beer in the trash can. Those are your clothes in the washing machine. You know how I know that?
Lisa: Because you don't wear a bra?
Phil: Because if I didn't wash them, they wouldn't get washed.
Lisa: You are such a liar.
Phil: Your phone's ringing.
Lisa: I hear it. Oh, it's Tom. Hello, this is Lisa Ann. What? No, I'm just standing here getting yelled at by my roommate. [Phil exits.] Hello? Tom, are you there? Shit. I hate this phone.
Lisa: Nothing!
Phil: That's ridiculous.
Lisa: You're ridiculous.
Phil: Say that again.
Lisa: Say what again?
Phil: Say what you just said again. What am I?
Lisa: I said you are ridiculous. Can you hear me?
Phil: Oh, I can hear you. I just can't believe what I'm hearing.
Lisa: You better believe it. I need a beer.
Phil: I'm sure you do.
Lisa: What's that supposed to mean?
Phil: You know what it means.
Lisa: Why don't you tell me?
Phil: Why don't you kill yourself? Again. Then I'll tell you.
Lisa: Where is all this anger coming from?
Phil: This is nothing. You should get a look at how angry I really am sometimes. It would amaze you.
Lisa: Really.
Phil: Yeah, really.
Lisa: You want me to move out, don't you?
Phil: Sometimes, yes I do.
Lisa: What would you have if I moved out? Nothing!
Phil: I would have peace. I would have quiet.
Lisa: You would go back to being isolated. Hibernating. And all this stuff here is mine. Like the computer.
Phil: What stuff is yours?
Lisa: The computer. The dishes. The TV.
Phil: Right. But who bought the furniture? Who bought the beds? The mirrors? The clocks? Who pays for--
Lisa: Yes, you bought lots of clocks, didn't you?
Phil: The only thing you ever bought was beer and cigarettes--
Lisa: Shut up!
Phil: And you only bought them after I finally refused to do it anymore.
Lisa: You are such a liar.
Phil: I'm a liar? This from a person who has no morals whatsoever.
Lisa: Wrong! I'm only like that when I'm desperate, which I wouldn't be desperate if I had a beer right now.
Phil: Well, there's no beer.
Lisa: What happened to it?
Phil: What happened to the beer? What do you think?
Lisa: I just bought some yesterday. I bought an eighteen pack.
Phil: You drank it all last night.
Lisa: Liar! I did not.
Phil: I guess I would know. I was the one who had to pick up all the empty cans off the sofa.
Lisa: We don't have any more beer?
Phil: They still sell it, don't they?
Lisa: I'll need to call Tom and have him take me out.
Phil: And I'm the liar of the house?
Lisa: Tom understands. He doesn't judge me.
Phil: Of course he understands. He understands that to get what he wants from you he has to get you drunk first.
Lisa: It couldn't hurt his chances. That's true.
Phil: You have no respect for yourself at all, do you?
Lisa: I have been through so much, Phil.
Phil:Yes, yes. Everyone knows how much you have endured. But how much of it did you bring on yourself?
Lisa: All of it, I suppose you think.
Phil: No, you didn't bring it all on.
Lisa: I was adopted.
Phil: Nothing you could have done about that.
Lisa: My mother was a drunk.
Phil:I know.
Lisa: My step mother beat me.
Phil: Jesus, I know.
Lisa: I only saw my step father on weekends. He was a lawyer.
Phil: And a pilot, don't forget.
Lisa: Yes, he was.
Phil: So what you're saying is that everybody who has that type of background gets to be a bastard to the rest of the world, is that right?
Lisa: I don't suppose you would be willing to get me some beer?
Phil: Not a chance.
Lisa: Even though I will get sick--
Phil: Not any chance at all.
Lisa:--from the withdrawal?
Phil: I'll go with you to check into rehab.
Lisa: Fuck you! I've been to rehab. You have no idea what they do to you there.
Phil: They don't give you beer, I know that.
Lisa: Where did I put that fucking phone?
Phil: Yes, you need a drink, all right.
Lisa: Shut up! I can't find my phone!
Phil: I think the dogs want to go out.
Lisa: They are just going to have to wait until I find my phone!
Phil: I'll take them out.
Lisa: Why? To make me feel guilty? That's all you ever do, you know. You sit around here trying to think up ways to make me feel guilty.
Phil: You are so full of it.
Lisa: Yes, you do! I've seen you sitting here thinking up those things.
Phil: You can read my mind?
Lisa: I can see it on your face.
Phil: You can't even see your own face.
Lisa: Where is my fucking phone?
Phil: I'll call you on my phone.
Lisa: Found it! It was in my purse.
Phil: Imagine.
Lisa: Hey, look what else I found!
Phil: You have a beer in your purse?
Lisa: I have three beers in my purse. They're a little warm, but so what?
Phil: Incredible. I'm gonna take the dogs out.
Lisa: I told you I would do it!
Phil: I need the air.
Lisa: They don't even need to go out.
Phil: I need to take them. What do you care?
Lisa: Fine. Go ahead.
Phil: I wasn't asking your permission.
Lisa: Whose dogs are they? They're my dogs!
Phil: They are your dogs, those are your parrots, and that's your computer. Those are your cans of beer in the trash can. Those are your clothes in the washing machine. You know how I know that?
Lisa: Because you don't wear a bra?
Phil: Because if I didn't wash them, they wouldn't get washed.
Lisa: You are such a liar.
Phil: Your phone's ringing.
Lisa: I hear it. Oh, it's Tom. Hello, this is Lisa Ann. What? No, I'm just standing here getting yelled at by my roommate. [Phil exits.] Hello? Tom, are you there? Shit. I hate this phone.
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